i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
