you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You need Xanax blowdarts
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
