someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
