I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
