I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
