Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
