I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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