I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
