it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
