Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
