hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
