I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize