Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just forgot I was standing up.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
