Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
