Your mouth is God's brothel.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize