I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
