Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
