i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
