I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
