so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
