i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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