i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
