He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
