you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
