I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
