Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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