I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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