i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Jerry, you need to find god
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
