I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
