Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
