I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
