Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I need moral support for this bender
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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