Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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