I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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