remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
