update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
