someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
