dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
