If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
