my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
