this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize