I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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