i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
