I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
