from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
