i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
