I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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