You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
