a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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