Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
