No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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