Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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