I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
