Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
