Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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