the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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