my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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