i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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