it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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