This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize