my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
